Unfortunately, dancing has become difficult for me over the past year. All the dances have become like the plot of the fairy tale "The Red Shoes." Madness, a lot of life energy, and then a lot of emptiness in the soul.

Perhaps this was a period of awakening sexual energy, the life energy in a woman's body, which I had long suppressed in my cell. Yes, it was beautiful in its own way, but I was missing something, and the desire to dance sometimes disappeared.
Breathing and sound brought back different dances to me, different, but all mine, of my body and soul, happening with partners or alone. I felt that breathing brought me back to my feelings, connecting my inner state with the energy of my body.

Dance is again multifaceted, like life itself.

This was probably my first experience at a retreat where there were exclusively male practices. I was very unaccustomed to even the thought of attending a circle or practice where there would be no women, and oddly enough, this turned out to be a very important aspect of the inner work that arose during the seminar. The fact is that no matter what attitude we (men) take to any event, the presence of women influences our attention, and often much of our concentration shifts from ourselves to the outside world. This happens so naturally that I don't even notice it, and for the first time, at the men's part of the retreat, I felt how different things could be.

The men's part took place in a very intimate and trusting atmosphere of attentive men of different generations. And here, like nowhere else, I heard myself very clearly and was completely focused on my feelings that arose during all the practices.

I was very impressed by how one could interact with other men, receiving their full attention and giving the same in return, listening and immersing oneself without the desire to compete with one another. During the conversation, I caught myself thinking that for me, there were symbolic figures of father, brother, friend, and son. Thus, the fact that the participants were of different ages had a special sacred meaning, and each participant's story resonated within me in a different way.

There were also dance, music, body, and meditation practices (and more), each of which evoked different responses within me, but I wasn't aware of this while I was doing them, as the unpacking (and the main insights) occurred after the retreat concluded, over the course of two or three days. It's amazing that it was after these practices that I realized I had a desire for a new, genuine male friendship, which is quite difficult to find in adulthood (usually all our friends are those who have been with us since youth). But after the workshop, this desire arose, and I am very surprised and happy about it. I thank Gena for this format and all the participants – for their sincerity, trust, and support.

About dance.
I feel alive...

That's how you live, and it seems like if it's life, then it's alive... And then you find yourself outside the "I feel" zone. "I feel" not in the sense of grandiose things, hurricanes, or an elephant stepping on your foot, but the flavors of the moment, the subtle aromas, the difference between successive seconds...

And the difference between the living and the nonliving is precisely this "I feel" or "I don't feel."

And nothing much has happened before, and my/your life is enjoyable to me/you, you just have to: manage this, do that, adjust here, compromise, push aside something tasty to squeeze in something important, avoid saying or shouting somewhere, to adhere to the social norms of accepted communication, to hurry or push a little harder...

And when the Dance happens, something changes.

I've hardly danced in months...

I had a few things to do, rushed to class this morning. Request: remember how to do it)

Beginning. Pause. My brain is still racing, tap-tap, my heart is beating like a business. My breathing is ragged.

An embrace. At first, I only feel my body breathing in different parts of me, slamming against the body next to me, first with my arms, then with my head, then with my chest, then with my stomach...
A man in a close embrace. I need to feel something special. Dance, pleasure?..

But for now, only thoughts crowd out the "feeling," thoughts of how to breathe correctly, how to remember what dance is, to hear and follow the lead, to interpret. Again, about "must"...

Carefully, attentively, to where I am now, not rushing to take me away from myself in the moment, listening attentively to the questions and my answers, about how it is now, allowing everything to happen, losses and the search for balance, steps, embraces...
And something begins to melt, layer by layer, armor by armor, the importance of my efficiency, the value of functionality...
It begins to melt through the welling tears that are "allowed," although difficult to be allowed in this space...

A few dances, conversations, shifting focuses of attention, moving with the music, trying things out, exercising, letting go of tasks, thoughts, the habit of control...

And then comes revival... feeling, the pleasure of dance, play, tango...
A meeting with oneself, the value of which does not depend on the chosen way of living life, on the set of actions and circumstances.

And, amazingly, in this state, I manage to “get through all the waves” (external tasks) with ease)